Was I really ready?

Baby ShoesFor as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I can recall being in grade school and the teacher asking us what we wanted to be when we grew up.

“A mom” was always my answer, much to the humour of my classmates. (Sorry guys, I still don’t understand what’s so laughable about being a life-giver and most influential person in a child’s life, but I digress.)

Maybe it was because my own mother stayed at home to raise my sister and I that influenced my answer those many years ago, or maybe it was some deep seeded urge within me to nurture and love.

Either way, starting a family has always been top of priority for me. So when hubs and I decided that ‘if it happened, it happened’ last summer, I was super thrilled when it happened fairly quick – even if it was still slightly unexpected.

We were heartbroken when we discovered that little one was not meant to be, but that’s for another post.

Taking some time to heal, we were gung-ho to start trying again – and for a second time we were blessed with a short wait to impending parenthood.

For all the discussion and planning that went into mapping out our future with a little one, I was a bit thrown the other day when I had a moment of second-guessing myself.

I knew things would change and that I’d be giving myself over to this new being, but it wasn’t until the other day that it really hit me how much ‘freedom’ I’d be giving up.

Sometimes, after a long day at work I’ll bargain with myself that ‘oh, I’ll do X tomorrow’ or ‘oh, Y can wait until the weekend’ but it really sunk in that with a baby, you can’t put things off until later. If that child is hungry or dirty or sick, it needs to be taken care of right away. You can’t just wait until tomorrow to change a diaper because you’re too tired. You’ve got to be on your game, a little person is counting on you.

This gave me a moment of panic. An ‘ooh, shit’ if you will. Am I really ready for this? Will I resent our child for taking away my put-off-til-tomorrow tendencies? Or, could this new addition be a catalyst for positive change in my life?

I’m sure I’m not alone in these thoughts – that other moms-to-be worry about if they’ve made the right decision, if their timing is right, if they’re really ready. Heck, I’m sure every dad-to-be feels this way too.

All I know is that when our little one comes, we’ll both be willing and able to try, learn, make mistakes and grow together as a family – that’s all we can do and that’s a beautiful thing.

Mamas (and papas) : Did you ever doubt your readiness to welcome your little bundle of joy?

Photo via Meagan, Flickr.com

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