Motherless mothers

Caitlin and Jackie

my mama and I

I’ve tried not to think about it too much, but it’s one of those things that is just always in the back of your mind no matter how hard you try to quash it down.

My own impending motherhood has had me so desperately missing my own mother during this journey.

Not only am I missing out on the support and guidance from the most trusted and important woman in my life, there are some family history questions asked by mine and baby’s medical team which I just can’t answer because she’s not around and my dad can’t remember.

Sans mama, I get the sads quite a bit.

You have this vision of your life when you’re young, about how things will be when you grow up. I know I did.

My mom would be at my high school graduation. My university graduation. Celebrating my first job. My wedding. See grandchildren. Live long and die old and comfortable in her sleep.

But life is never what you expect.

When she died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was just 17, in an instant I was acutely aware of all the important events she wouldn’t be a part of and that I’d have to go through alone. Though I know that I’m never truly alone – a wonderful partner and incredible friends ensure that – their presence isn’t the same.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately how losing my mother is going to impact my mothering decisions. While she was my mom and I loved her, she wasn’t perfect. I’m sure I’ll take some good techniques she taught and avoid the bad ones when co-parenting our little one. I’m also lucky to have a wonderful mother-in-law to turn to who just so happened to raise one hell of remarkable son – surely her wisdom will be invaluable also.

I just wish my own mama were here to meet that little person.

Mamas: How did your mother influence your parenting, if at all?

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