I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. It’s hard to believe that this is my 10th Mother’s Day without you; that the 11th anniversary of your death will be here soon. I’m also painfully aware of how quickly I’m approaching being without you more years than we had together.
So much has happened in that last decade. If there was ever an inopportune time for you to miss, I feel like these last 10 years would be it.
High school graduations, college applications, tropical vacations – I wanted so much to share in those experiences with you. When I started dating or was grappling with a major life decision, the person I needed most was not there for me to talk to (or cry in bed with). (Though I do have a wonderful legion of crazy strong, amazing women in my corner – I’m sure that’s because of you. Thank you for these warrior women who guide me in your place.)
Even now, when I’m sick or sad, there’s still nothing I want more than for my mommy to come tuck me in and bring me a banana popsicle.
Perhaps the thing I wish you were here for the most, has been to witness my own transformation through motherhood. Because it is so fucking hard sometimes, and I don’t think anyone really gets me the way you would have. I feel so lonely sometimes on this road of the motherless mother.
But it’s funny, my son calls you ‘grandma’ when he sees your picture. He has so many of your qualities that were also my own – stubborn, persistent, emotional to a fault. That devilish look that flashes in his eyes sometimes comes straight from you, and for that I am thankful – because I know you’re not really gone, not completely.
I remember being so headstrong as a child that you wished me children as… challenging… as myself one day. Thanks for that. Not! Let me just say how sorry I am for the hell I know I put you through. Being a mom is one of the most thankless jobs (especially in the early days) that I don’t know how you had the strength to keep loving me. But you did. And that strength has been passed down to this family. And if I could go back in time, I would be kinder, gentler, and more understanding for you. You deserved better than I gave you and now I can’t change that – for that I’m truly sorry.
All this to say that I really miss you, and wish you were here. I know my sister does too. But, such is life and these are the cards we’ve been dealt. Nothing left to do but keep on keepin’ on doing the best we can and loving one another.
Happy Mother’s Day.