Hey peeps.

Hope everyone has been keeping as well as they can be given the state of the world these days. I’m sorry for the silence, but updating the blog just felt rather pointless the last few weeks, given the importance of everything else happening. That, and I have had absolutely nothing to give creatively beyond completing my regular client workload.

I wanted people to know that I’m still here, and I’m still doing my best to stick to the program. And the clinic is now doing virtual weekly classes to help us finish up the remainder of our program. It’s been a tumultuous time.

All that to say I’m still here. Doing what I can. Some days failing miserably, and others, succeeding wildly.

My weight has been a little down and a little up more or less the last 2 months. I’m stilling around 218 pounds right now. About 10 pounds less than when the in-person aspects of the program stopped because of COVID. Getting my workouts in has not been a problem, as in the past. I find movement (especially the kind where I’m dripping in sweat and I can’t think and can only feel my pulse beating in my head) to be extremely cathartic.

For me, food continues to be a struggle. As it has been for years.

I feel like I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t stick to a meal plan for any real length of time. Even with planning in fun foods and free meals, I still find myself saying “fuck it” more often than not, and giving in to unhealthy options or excessive portions.

I might be able to stick things out for 4 or 5 days, but ultimately, I fold. And then there’s this internal battle where I try to be gentle on myself because I’m doing the best I can, and hating myself because I feel weak and worthless for not doing the “right” thing. It leaves me feeling exhausted and shitty.

Not to mention the pain I feel when my gallbladder goes off. Which seems to be happening even when I avoid fatty foods now. Often just when I wake up. I was initially very opposed to surgery, but at this point I think I’m going to ask my doc to put me on a waitlist because I don’t know that I can live like this.

We’ve been working through emotional eating, managing cravings and triggers, and avoiding weight regain in group the last few weeks. It’s been helpful to be in a group discussion again, and to know that I’m not the only one who is struggling. It’s also been helpful to go over things with the professional team. But I still find myself struggling. I probably need to book a session with the social worker to talk things out. I have a counselling session next week too… I’m sure that will help as well.

I hate that I feel so powerless over food. It’s something so basic and so simple. And I’m a smart person. I feel incredibly stupid. Damaged. A loser. Worthless. Like I’ll never do things right. Talk about a shame spiral…

No matter what, I’m not going to give up on myself. This is a lifelong change that I am making for myself, and I know there will be ups and downs along the way. I think the key will be to ensure the downs don’t dip too low or last too long, and that my ups become longer and more consistent.

All of this is a work in progress.

All of us are works in progress, aren’t we?

Until next time.

-Caitlin